One client of mine describes “It’s as if my life has improved in so many ways but my relationship is still stuck in the dark ages. To be honest I would rather mop the floors than have sex with my husband” (Sara 37)

When I asked Sara if she and her husband have a loving relationship she said they did.

“He is my best friend and the best father I could ever ask for my children. It just feels like this whole ‘sex thing’ is constantly hovering over me like a shadow. I always feel guilty for not wanting it as much as he does. I can feel his vulnerability and I know I’m constantly rejecting him, I hate giving him mercy sex, and I know he hates it too. it’s like I need to choose between being honest with myself and suffer his frustration or doing it just to keep him happy and selling myself short. I’m afraid I can’t keep on doing this much longer”.

Sarah is not alone; many of my clients are struggling in the area of long term relationships. What she was describing was an underlying pain that was woven into her & her partner’s life leaving them feeling helpless, hopeless and very much alone. As a therapist, I could see my tendency to avoid that topic. Still, I also thought that I had to challenge the belief that working on her emotions would automatically transfer its results to her intimate sex life, her communication skills, and magically sort it out.

After twenty years of marriage and thousands of hours of counselling other couples, I have learned that although not all relationships need to go ‘forever’ at any cost, many of them don’t need to settle for less than a high functioning satisfying life together. I learned that frustration in a relationship is not always a dead end. It is more like a beginning. It’s an opportunity and a demand, to be honest about what’s not working and what we truly want.

Our relationships can bring us to our knees and transcend us to heaven. They can make us feel resentful and angry or hurt and rejected. Either way emotions like jealousy, competition, contempt, criticism, fear, grief, self-loathing and guilt can come up—Especially when there is an illness, a loss, betrayal, conflict and fighting. Areas like money, power, sex, distribution of labour, the discrepancy in needs and parenting differences can be fertile grounds for inner and relational work.

I practice couple therapy as a way to support couples to avoid escalating frustration, disappointment and pain. I would love for us to apply the same strategy we have on illness prevention and do the work and get educated before it is overdue, and becomes beyond repair. I work with couples that are willing to challenge their comfort zone, which most likely is extremely uncomfortable, and open themselves to give a chance for something new.