On A

Personal

Note…

How I became an expert on relationships and sexuality…

My Story

My work was born out of my own need to answer some burning questions; is it even possible for both partners to be actualised & content in a life-long relationship in today’s day & age? And if so what does it take?

With divorce rates going up and not many role models for how that would look. I went on a journey of research, study & exploration which led me to the understanding that not only is it possible, for both partners to be meeting their fullest potential, but that they actually truly need each other, in order to do so.

I started my counselling practice mostly working with brilliant women who were motivated by what seemed to be a force within them to do inner work. I noticed that even though on the surface they had different life goals they wanted to achieve, what they really had in common was that they actually wanted it all ‘the whole package”.

But there was one thing they couldn’t do alone, and that was having all that and a satisfying loving intimate sexual long term relationship with their partner. For that, we need two to tango.

I found that many of my married clients were feeling stuck in their relationships. Like they were moving forward in so many aspects of their life, yet their relationship seeming not to evolve in the same way. One client of mine describes “It’s as if my life has improved in so many ways but my relationship is still stuck in the dark ages. To be honest I would rather mop the floors than have sex with my husband” (Sara 37)

When I asked Sara if she and her husband have a loving relationship she said they did. “he is my best friend and the best father I could ever ask for my children. It just feels like this whole ‘sex thing’ is constantly hovering over me like a shadow. I always feel guilty for not wanting it as much as he does. I can feel his vulnerability and I know I’m constantly rejecting him, I hate giving him mercy sex, and I know he hates it too. I’m worried if I keep on like this he will need to go somewhere else, but it’s like I need to choose between being honest with myself and suffer his frustration or doing it just to keep him happy and selling myself short. I’m afraid I can’t keep on doing this much longer”.

I found that Sara was not alone, I soon saw that many of my clients are struggling in the area of long term relationships. What she was describing was an underlying pain that was woven in to her & her partner’s life leaving them feeling helpless, hopeless and very much alone. As a therapist, I could see my tendency to avoid that topic, but I also felt that I had to challenge the belief that working on her emotions would automatically transfer its results to her intimate sex life, and magically sort it out. I had to know if I actually believed in a life-long relationship that it is more than a financial, social, emotional constitution.

I started reading and learning about couple therapy modalities, sexuality, rekindling desire. After trying most theories on myself I have learned that although not all relationships need to go ‘forever’ at any cost, many of them don’t need to settle for less than a high functioning satisfying life together. I learned that frustration in a relationship is not always a dead end. It is more like a beginning. It’s an opportunity and a demand to be honest about what’s not working and what we truly want.

I practice couple therapy as a way to support couples to avoid escalating frustration, disappointment and pain. I would love for us to apply the same strategy we have on illness prevention and do the work and get educated before it is overdue, and becomes beyond repair. I work with couples that are willing to challenge their comfort zone, which most likely is extremely uncomfortable, and open themselves to give a chance for something new.

“Tamar created a safe space for us to move through our painful stuff and learn new ways to communicate and celebrate what we have” – Sherry & Max 

I realised how sensitive and private this topic is for all of us. And how extremely hard it may seem to find our voice and express our insecurities. But I could also see, time and time again how the right information can completely transform a relationship.

I could see how so many male partners are so eagerly wanting to provide and how hard it is for so many of us women to receive. I could see how layers of anger that were being lifted reveal more layers of shame and guilt. And underneath all that was true intimacy. It wasn’t the intimacy that you get by just talking, It had a new depth to it, and an emergence of healing and pleasure.

This completely rocked my world! On a personal and professional level. I feel so extremely honoured to receive the trust my clients have in me, by allowing me to help them untangle and reconnect.

I can see how couples that are open to give their relationship the care and attention they would easily give any other aspect of their lives, to reeducate themselves and to safely explore the possibilities they inhabit, achieve a frame work in which they can maintain their intimacy for a long life of love

Thanks for reading my story.

Tamar

My Mission

To empower and equip couple’s globally to create their own authentic lifestyle, where they can both equally reach their fullest potential, as friends, lovers, parents, artists, & entrepreneurs and to enable them to have a life-long-love relationship which will support their personal growth and wellbeing.

My Mission

To empower and equip couple’s globally to create their own authentic lifestyle, where they can both equally reach their fullest potential, as friends, lovers, parents, artists, & entrepreneurs and to enable them to have a life-long-love relationship which will support their personal growth and wellbeing.